Your Child and Divorce--Five Things Your Child Needs From You

By Denise Witmer, About.com

Take care of yourself. A divorcing parent is often a very busy parent. Add to that dealing with the pain everyone is feeling, the legal process of a divorce, and the changes in what were your normal everyday routines and you have stress. Because of this, you need to pay very close attention to your health – both mental and physical.

Get a check up. Ask your doctor for some ways to stay healthy. Simple things like taking a vitamin everyday will help. Talk to a professional about what is going on in your life. Get some coping strategies for your everyday stress along with some for the stress the divorce is causing. The more you take care of you, the better you’ll be able to take care of your children.

Be available.Whether it’s to listen, comfort, or take a little of their wrath, be there for your child. Your child needs your attention and your time. This will not come automatically, you will need to find the time for them and make it a regular occurrence. Sit down and have a family meal – every night. Ask them how their day was and listen to the answer. Remember your goodnights and good-mornings. Schedule some one-on-one time with each of your children at least once a month.

Stay consistent in discipline, routines, and relationships.Try and be a unified front with your ex-spouse. Try to agree on what is allowed, and what isn’t. If this cannot be done, set your rules and limits and keep them consistent in your household.

Daily and weekly routines are a godsend if you have them or are able to create them. They save time and reduce stress. Children of divorced couples are often very stressed when their parents are constantly changing where the child will be and when. Set up your child’s routine and keep it consistent.

There are two things to keep in mind when dealing with consistency in relationships and your child. One, your child has relationships with your ex-spouse’s family. You’ll need to respect that no matter if your relationship with that person is still viable or not. Two, your child is still your child, not your confidant, messenger, or sounding board. The less you ‘use’ your child at this time, the better they will be able to adjust to the divorce and live normally.

Keep your promises – both expressed and implied.It’s easy to promise your child the world when you know they are hurting and you are part of the cause of that hurt. Don’t compound the problem by promising them everything under the sun and then not being able to deliver. And if you do make a promise, keep it.

We all live with implied promises and we count on them. In the family, it is implied that our parents will love us forever. This needs to remain a constant in their lives. Do not make your children any less important to you because you are not seeing them as often or you cannot get along with your ex-spouse.

The art of letter writing has gone out of style, but could be your saving grace if you learn to pick it up and keep it consistent. Letters are very personal things that will be treasured by your child. Pick up a pen and paper. Write about your day, a good joke you heard, the weather – it doesn’t matter. Just end it in ‘I love you.’

Be the one to model resilience.How you accept the change in your family dynamic will model, or ‘show’, your child how to accept the change. It’s back to ‘children learn what they live’. If you are able to get some help, accept the change in your life, and move on to creating something better for yourself, your child will learn how to be resilient with major changes in their life. If you remain bitter towards your ex-spouse, continue having conflicts, and/or ‘use’ your child in anyway, that is what you will be teaching them.

Here is a list of what resilient parents would never do, and if you’re doing them, resolve to put a stop to it immediately.

· They don't talk negatively about their spouse in front of them.
· They don't use the child as a spy.
· They don't use the child as a weapon.
· They don't argue or fight with your spouse while the child is listening.

父母離婚對子女的悲傷與失落之輔導（節錄）

輔導碩士學分班 孔美惠

一、 父母離異兒童的輔導策略：
　　從父母離異帶給兒童程度不等的身心適應問題與情緒反應，以及影響兒童適應的不同因素來看，許多不適應問題起源於兒童對於父母離異事件的無法調適，以及因應技巧的缺乏。她們尤其對父母離異存有：1.父母為什麼要離婚？2.父母離異後，她們是否會有繼父母？3.假使她們喜歡繼父母，是否代表她們對親生父母不忠實？等種種問題，輔導員在協助兒童度過此一時期時，有六項課題最需要加以處理：

1. 接受父母婚姻破裂的事實：
　　由於父母在面對離異的壓力時，經常無法安慰並協助兒童了解情況及未來，使得兒童容易產生恐懼及焦慮感，且傾向於否定家庭的真實狀況，此時輔導的重點在提供兒童一個討論的機會，並擬定方法解決兒童對離婚的情緒，以避免負面情緒氾濫。

2. 恢復正常活動的參與：
　　父母離婚之後，子女往往會有一段時間將全副精神灌注在與家庭有關的事務上，他們可能因為擔心家庭會發生什麼可怕的事情而不想離開家；或者在活動結束後趕快回家；甚至在離開家這段時間，心理仍然一直惦記著家裡；有些子女則會讓自己陷於父母離婚後的強烈負向情緒之中，干擾其參與正常活動的能力，或者乾脆拒絕參與任何活動，將自己封閉起來，這些現象將影響其課業的學習與人際關係的交往，因此輔導的目的在使兒童能盡快恢復參與這項活動。

3. 處理失落和被拒絕的感受：
　　許多兒童會將父母離婚的原因歸罪於自己不聽會，才導致父母離異，因而對自己產生一無是處、沒有價值的自我概念，尤其當兒童與離家者的親子關係很好時，這種失落被拒絕的感覺會更加強烈，此時輔導的目標在於讓兒童克服其強烈的被拒絕、自卑與無力感。

4. 原諒父母：
　　面對父母決定離婚的事實，兒童容易傾向責難父母自私且不尊重其心理需求和感受，甚至更進一步地指控父母不負責任。這些情緒一方面會使離婚後的親子關係趨向惡質，一方面也會使兒童故意作出一些不良行為來報復父母的不負責任。此時，兒童若能在父母離婚後重新與其中一方建立良好的親子關係，較可以藉由彼此的互動，漸漸了解父母離婚的理由，也學習到離婚是父母雙方的責任，不能怪罪於任何一方。因此輔導的過程著重於幫助兒童將憤怒的情緒表達出來，以及尋求更具建設性的紓解方式。

5. 接納離婚的不變事實：
　　雖然兒童接受父母婚姻關係破裂的事實，但在孩子心中仍然存有一家人能夠再重回尚未離婚之前的想法，因此即使離婚的父母各自再婚，兒童對於破裂家庭會再重現的幻想仍舊根深蒂固。如果兒童一直生活在幻想中，無法與現實生活保持密切的接觸，就容易出現身心適應不良的症狀。在此種情況下，輔導兒童接受事實，修正原有不切實際的期待，為新的生活作準備，成為最重要的工作重點。

6. 人際關係的再出發：
　　父母離婚對於兒童最大的影響在於人際關係產生存疑，兒童會懷疑人與人之間的交往是否可以信賴、可以相互關懷與表達愛意？尤其到了青少年階段，這樣的問題更會影響到與異姓之間的交往，因此如何幫助兒童擺脫父母離婚的陰影，重建屬於自己的人際關係，是最重要的課題。

　　綜合上述可知，父母離異兒童在面對家庭破碎的衝擊時，縱使因應能力的不同會產生不同程度的影響，但同樣都需面對上述六項課題，因此選擇有效的輔導策略，會幫助兒童順利的度過調適歷程，重新面對新的生活，正是輔導的目的。因應兒童個別差異以及問題的多樣性，若採用個別輔導的方式進行，輔導員(或老師)應先了解兒童的心理需要，澄清兒童的情感，適時抒發其憤怒、不平、悲傷、壓抑和焦慮的情緒，同時教導兒童與他人建立起良好關係的技巧。


二、 教師能為孩子做什麼~
　　談父母離異兒童的輔導原則：對單親兒童的心理問題，最有效的方法就是心理輔導，依據心理學的原則，通過教師、家長與孩子之間的交往。以語言、表情、態度和行為影響，排除孩子在認知、情感、性格、態度和行為方面的心理障礙，減輕或消除孩子痛苦的各種情緒和行為，避免身心疾病的發生，促使孩子在認知、情感、意志、性格、能力和品質等方面得到全面和諧的發展，簡單地說就是從孩子的認知、情緒和行為上幫助他們。在這方面我們廣大的教育工作者在教育實踐中已經作出了很多有益的嘗試，並取得了顯著的成效。

1. 建立安全的關係：
　　教師輔導單親兒童時，在心理學上相互理解，相互信任，相互溝通，是做好心理輔導的基礎。在進行心理輔導時，要設身處地用兒童的眼光去看他們的世界，體察他們的感受，體會他們的思想，進入他們的情緒和思維領域之中，以他們的心情去瞭解他們的心，也以他們的思想去思考事物。這樣就能觀察兒童的內心世界，體諒兒童的需要。只有當孩子們覺得教師和家長是真正理解和體諒他們時，才會舒暢和愉快，把心中的秘密告訴你。即是使兒童在無威脅的情境下表達他們內在的感覺和情緒。

2. 傾聽兒童的訴說：
　　用宣洩的方法讓單親兒童傾訴心中的苦悶、委屈。父母離異的現實環境和氛圍，常常使單親兒童變得沈默，像個“小大人”，不願在家中訴說苦悶。作為教師就要主動及時和孩子溝通，主動和孩子談心，鼓勵他們說出心裏話，讓他（她）們釋放心中的苦悶、委屈、痛苦。通過引導和幫助，讓兒童宣洩心中的苦悶，達到心理平衡，心情變得開朗起來。

3. 讓兒童感受到「愛」：
　　教師應該用“愛心”行動來表示對單親兒童的特殊關愛，以情來感動他們，比如可以在單親兒童過生日時贈送一件小禮物，在學習困難時多加以輔導，生活上要關心冷暖溫飽。學校和班級也要開展一系列的“愛心”活動，發揮集體力量來幫助單親兒童，使他們體會集體的溫暖。

4. 建立孩子自我價值感：
　　單親家庭的孩子由於自己家庭的破損，往往會變得異常敏感，自我價值感也會減低。心理學家愛默森認為：“教育成功的秘密在於尊重學生。”少年兒童追求自尊的意識將化為強大的動力。教師在日常言行中一定要注意維護單親兒童的自尊，要強調他們做得好的方面，不要過分誇大他們的錯誤，要多鼓勵。學習或其他事情失敗時，更要少說洩氣話，而多鼓勵，逐漸建立孩子的自我價值感。

結論：　　由於兒童受限於自己所楚的發展階段，對父母離異事件的態度信念、父母離婚的過程，以及父母離異後對子女態度等因素，在面對父母離異事件時，不同的兒童會有不同程度的反應。因此在輔導這類兒童時，除了考慮造成兒童不同反應的潛在因素，選擇適合兒童的輔導方式，也是相當重要的。

　　雖然團體輔導有其良好功能存在，也是較為經濟的方式，但由於父母離異兒童身分的特殊性，加上承擔的情緒困擾以及面臨的危機狀況都有個別差異存在，使得每一個兒童的傷害程度和需求狀況可能差異很大，並不適宜在輔導初始就投入團體中。如果貿然採用團體輔導方式，容易造成兒童在團體中過於退縮，抑或是情緒過於激烈，輔導員也難以掌控團體氣氛，或疲於處理突發狀況，而達不到團體所預先期望的目標。

　　不論採用何種輔導策略，在輔導的歷程中必須維持一個真誠、尊重、關懷與接納的關係，以了解父母離異兒童的真正需要，協助她們解決面臨的危機。針對父母離異兒童輔導的最終目標，在於培養兒童獨立自主的精神、建立良好的人際關係、突破學習困擾的障礙、重新自家庭結構改變的困擾中解脫出來。

書籍介紹~「好事成雙－不結婚典禮」：※文‧圖/巴貝柯爾，郭恩惠譯；格林文化公司出版；國小中低年級適讀。

※故事介紹：寶拉和丹米是兩個人見人愛的乖巧小孩，然而他們卻有一對水火不容的父母。他們不但喜歡的東西南轅北轍，想法也大不相同。所以，住在一起越久，他們就越討厭對方。這種情形也讓小孩懷疑自己是造成父母紛爭不斷的原因。不過，在徵詢其他小孩的意見之後，他們發現：如果父母的行為幼稚得像五歲小孩，那不是孩子們的錯。於是，他們決定請牧師幫忙，替爸媽辦一個盛大的「不結婚」典禮，寄發「不結婚」喜帖給朋友共襄盛舉，讓父母各自去度「不蜜月旅行」，最後還把原來的房子拆掉，重蓋了兩座房子，當作送給爸爸媽媽的「不結婚」禮物。父母從此有了各自想過的生活，他們也樂得什麼東西都有兩份，皆大歡喜。

※在博客來網站的繪本導讀(莊靜君，民89)中，一開始即提出一個另類的思考問題：離婚，真的是「不快樂」的代名詞嗎？父母的爭吵所帶來的不愉快，常常會成為小孩童年時期的陰影。然而，巴貝‧柯爾的《好事成雙--不結婚典禮》卻以另一種樂觀幽默的角度來看待這個眾人眼中的不愉快。作者喜歡在作品裡以輕鬆幽默的筆調和插圖來探討嚴肅的人生問題，透過她誇張逗趣的筆調和畫風，總會帶給讀者意外的驚喜，並讓人感受到她對生命的認真。在她的作品中，連最敏感、沈重的婚姻議題，最後都變成了具有生命力的快樂故事。閱讀巴貝‧柯爾的作品，讀者不但會不自覺得發出會心一笑，也會深深地感受到她對生命投注的關懷與真誠。

你又在玩心理遊戲了嗎？

　　小娟認識了小強，兩人陷入熱戀並結婚，剛開始一切都很美滿，過了幾個月，似乎過了蜜月期，小強開始對他惡言相向、拳打腳踢，還常醉酒晚歸、甚至吃軟飯。雖然如此，兩人仍維繫著婚姻，小強越來越誇張，小娟就越來越包容。這種狀況持續了兩年多，小娟突然申請強制離婚，離開家庭。小強傻了，瘋狂求對方原諒他，越是求她、越是拒絕，他陷入心情低落、被拋棄的感覺，甚至自殘、自虐。

　　奇怪的是，小強以前也有幾次類似的經驗，每次他都對自己說：「再也不要這樣了。」每次卻又再犯；相同的情形，小娟也經歷過兩次，也曾有過幾個好男人，可是沒多久就變的品行不良，長久積怨難消，憤而離開對方。

　　大家有無這樣的經驗，和別人的互動經常是在很不舒服的感覺下結束的，然後問自己類似的話：「為什麼我總遇到這樣的事呢？」「我以為他不是這樣的人，怎會…」這些話是不是覺得很面熟呢？沒有錯，這便是心理遊戲，是一種人跟人相處時一連串互動與溝通的模式，往往造成一些「可預期」的結局，更是造成心情不好、關係破碎的BUG。

　　一般而言，心理遊戲有以下五個特徵：

　　一、是一再重複的，盡管人事時地物不同，互動仍是最熟悉、相似的模式。

　　二、自我無法覺察的，且往往是不自知的在玩遊戲，只有在結束時，才會自問：「為何又這樣…」之類的問題。

　　三、遊戲結束時，會經歷不正確的感覺，比如自我批評、懊惱。

　　四、參與遊戲的人，會藉由行為動作傳遞非字面資訊，進而誤導對方。動機不同，行為便不同。如：一個經常尋求丈夫幫助的人，動機或許只是希望被照顧、重視，而非問題本身如何解決。

　　五、過程往往是很混亂的、突然的，如小強小娟角色互換一樣的突然，婚姻存在時，小娟對小強予取予求，結束時，小強卻變成事事附和小娟；家暴、婚暴家庭的互動模式也是很明顯的例子。

　　所有的心理遊戲並非都是負向的。遊戲當中，只要在造成親友嫌隙的懸堐邊緊急煞車，也可能是生活中很好的潤滑劑。但是，如果是以人生舞台、花費多年去經營遊戲的話，建議你自我覺察、反省，找出生命最經典的心理遊戲，嘗試去改變、創新它，一定可以脫離陰霾、迎向陽光。

作者：臺北市社區心理衛生中心 周鉦翔心理輔導員

諮商員自己的悲傷──悲傷輔導與悲傷治療

(Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy-A Handbook the Mental Health Practitioner by J. William Worden)
　　
　　失去所愛的人，是任何人都無法忍受的一種最深刻而痛苦的經驗。不僅親身經驗的人很痛苦，旁觀的人因為自己對失落的無能為力，也會感到痛苦。(Bowlby, 1980)

　　痛苦是不可避免的，雙方都能覺察到彼此無法給予對方所要的，助人者無法讓死者復生，而喪親者也無法因得到幫助而使助人者滿足。(Parkes, 2001)

　　因此諮商員容易感到挫折和憤怒。此外，諮商員也可能對旁觀他人的痛苦感到非常不舒服，因而將自己和喪親者的關係縮短。別人的喪親經驗除了會挑戰助人者自己是有幫助的需求外，至少在三方面會觸動到諮商員：

　　首先，與喪親者工作，使我們覺察到自己的失落，有時也會感到痛苦難當。但是，如果諮商員已經完成自己的喪痛，且找到了失落的解決之道，這個經驗就能夠幫助做到有效的處遇。

　　第二個會影響諮商員的是諮商自己所害怕的失落。一旦案主的失落經驗和我們最害怕的一種失落類似時，我們潛在的憂慮不安就會阻礙有效的諮商關係。

　　第三個挑戰是諮商員的存在性焦慮和對個人的死亡覺察。當一個案主尋求悲傷輔導時，諮商員便會接觸到死亡是不可避免的感覺，也會接觸到對個人生命不可避免的死亡的不安。

　　但是，好好的面對我們都會死亡這個事實是可能的，不要把這個主題藏在內心，造成不安。並且我們鼓勵諮商員去探索自己的失落史，這樣的探索會讓諮商員更有創造性的做出處遇。

　　以下有幾項問題，花些時間在書上或其他紙上，寫下你的回答；也花些時間，仔細思考你的答案。可能的話，和朋友或同事討論。思索自己的生命，可以幫助你日後的工作更有效。

1. 我所記得的第一個死亡經驗是：
2. 當時我幾歲：
3. 我記得當時的感受是：

4. 我曾經參加的第一個喪禮（守靈或其他儀式）是悼念誰：
5. 當時我幾歲：
6. 對這個經驗，我記得最清楚的事是：

7. 在近期內，我所遭遇的死亡失落是（人、時、地）：
8. 我應對這個失落的方式是：

9. 對我而言，最困難的是誰的死亡：
10. 之所以困難，是因為：

11. 在我生命中，目前仍活著的重要人物之中，誰一旦死亡會是我最無法面對的：
12. 之所以最困難是因為：

13. 我對失落的原始應對方式是：

14. 什麼時候，我知道我的悲傷已經解決了：

15. 什麼時候，和案主分享自己的悲傷經驗是很適當的：

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有效諮商員的人格特質

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以下所列出的有效諮商員之人格特質在相關研究中均被支持（如Norcross,2002a, 2002b; Skovholt & Jennings, 2004）。列出這些具療癒性人的特質，主要的目的是希望可以藉此來自我檢核，並發展出個人認為最能促進他人人格成長的人格特質觀點。

1. 對自己有足夠的認識
2. 尊重及欣賞自己
3. 能接受改變
4. 能選擇及經營自己的生活
5. 可靠、真摯及誠實
6. 有幽默感
7. 會犯錯誤，並承認自己的錯誤
8. 活在當下
9. 重視文化的影響
10. 真誠關心他人的福祉
11. 展現有效的人際互動技巧
12. 全神貫注地工作而從中尋求意義
13. 展現熱情
14. 維持健康的人際界線

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I Am Going On A Journey

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I am going on a journey,

Won't you come along?

I need someone to help me.

A person big and strong.

I'm walking on my journey
But my feet are very small.
Can you stand beside me,
And catch me if I fall?


At times when I can't keep up
With life and all its fears,
Can you put me on your shoulders
And wipe away the tears?


When the steps I take are not big enough
And it's hard for me to grow
I know I can depend on you
To let me take it slow.


I'm going on a journey,
Please, won't you walk with me?
I need someone who understands
The place where I should be.


I promise when the road is tough
And you want to turn back home.
I will hold your hand real tight,
So you won't feel so alone.


I'm going on a journey
I don't know where it ends,
But if we walk together,
We can always be best friends.


And when the journey's over
And we find where we should be.

I know that you will be so glad,

You took this path with me.


I'm going on a journey,
Please, won't you come along?
I need someone to guide me

A parent—big & strong.

Written by Sally Meyer

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Blessed Are Those

I. Blessed are those who stop and listen to my chatter. You may not understand me; but I love when people talk to me, for I long for companionship, too.

II. Blessed are those who take my hand and walk with me when the path is rough, for I easily stumble and grow weary. But thank you, too, for letting me walk alone when the path is smooth, for I must learn independence.

III. Blessed are those who take the time to tell me about special happenings, for unless you make special effort to inform me, I remain ignorant.

IV. Blessed are those who wait for me. I may be slow, but I appreciate your patience.
V. Blessed are those who are not ashamed to be seen in public with me, for I did not choose to be born thus. It could have been you as well.

VI. Blessed are those who do not pity me, for I don't want pity. All I want is understanding and respect for what I have learned as well.

VII. Blessed are those who notice my accomplishments, small as they may seem to you. I must work long and hard to learn many of the things you take for granted.

VIII. Blessed are those who include me in their games, even though I may not understand the rules, I still like to be included in your activities.

IX. Blessed are those who think of me as a person who loves, and hurts, and feels joy and pain just like you do, for in that respect I am normal.

Author Unknown

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WELCOME TO HOLLAND

byEmily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David.

The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

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From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Welcome to Holland" is an essay, written in 1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley, about having a child with Down Syndrome, though it is applicable to many other birth defects, and is given by many hospitals and child-care professionals to new parents of special-needs children.

The essay, written in the second person, employs a metaphor of excitement for a vacation to Italy that becomes a massive disappointment when the reader's plane lands instead in Holland.
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

The metaphor is that the trip to Italy is a typical birth and child-raising experience, and that the trip to Holland is the experiencing of having and raising a special-needs child.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

In the end, however, an effort is made to express that the "trip" is still well worth it:

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

A song was also written in 2004 by Will Livingston based loosely on the story, also titled "Welcome to Holland".

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