6 tips to ‘recession-proof’ your relationship

As our economy goes from boom to bust, so do many relationships

By Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
Sex therapist and relationship counselor
TODAYShow.com contributor
updated 4:14 p.m. ET Oct. 9, 2008

As our economy goes from boom to bust so too do many relationships.

Even in the best of times financial stress can take its toll on a relationship. But now, as we panic about an uncertain future, stressors become terrors, cracks become fissures, and our connection to our partners becomes all the more fraught. As we struggle to save our dollars, we allow the currency of our communication to become devalued by stress, anxiety and fear. It’s not just the state of the union we need to be worrying about, but also the state of our unions.

So why not go home tonight and have some good old-fashioned sex?

Sex is cheaper than the movies, more stress-relieving than a day at a spa and healthier than antidepressants. And with the rise in fuel prices coming this winter, isn’t that all the more reason to cuddle under the covers and generate some heat of our own?

Seriously, I know that sex won’t change the world, or make your problems go away, but it will leave you feeling recharged, rejuvenated and stronger and more united as a team to face tomorrow. As the winds of change huff and puff and try to blow our house down, sex helps us to hold onto a foundation of love, intimacy and connection.

What else can you do to recession-proof your relationship? Consider these tips:

Don’t stop investing in your relationship
Now is not the time to cut back on quality time together. Hire that baby sitter, get out there and have some fun. You deserve it; you need it. Your relationship demands the kind of stimulus the Fed can’t provide and the injection of capital into date night will reap priceless returns.

Unplug the feed
At the end of the evening, turn off the television, power down the computer. The market’s closed and you don’t need to track futures, you need to connect in the present. During turbulent times technology can become a real-time source of anxiety and stress. So turn off to turn on and know that sex provides a potent chemical cocktail that takes our minds off the headlines and doesn’t leave us with a hangover.

Build a reserve of desire
Engage in random acts of intimacy: hold hands, kiss, give your partner a really long hug. Couples who touch more end up feeling more connected. All it takes is a 20-second hug to get oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” flowing in women, but men need to be hugged three times as much as women to get to similar levels. So go for a full minute of hugging. Build up a bank account of small touch-deposits during the day — you may be surprised at your desire to make a larger withdrawal at night.

Don’t let your ‘interest rate’ in your partner go from positive to negative
Therapist John Gottman has spent a lifetime working with married couples, researching what makes some marriages succeed and others fail. “It’s the balance between positive and negative emotional interactions in a marriage that determines its well-being — whether the good moments of mutual pleasure, passion, humor, support, kindness and generosity outweigh the bad moments of complaining, criticism, anger, disgust, contempt, defensiveness and coldness.” Those couples that succeed in their marriages enjoy an overriding proportion of positive over negative sentiment. But, how do you ensure that? “All couples, happy and unhappy, have conflict, but the ratio of positive to negative interactions during arguments is a critical factor,” and Gottman proposed that this ratio should, ideally, be 5 to 1. While it’s impossible to go through life tallying positive versus negative interactions, it is possible to determine intuitively whether your relationship is generally in the positive, or tending more toward the negative.

Watch out for a serious dip in your ‘passion portfolio’
Millions of Americans were already stuck in a sex rut before this financial crisis, and millions more are now prone because of it. Stress and anxiety are major inhibitors of libido. And when you’re stuck in a rut, or feeling sexually disconnected from your partner, it leaves you more vulnerable to cheating, porn abuse, or just a general sense of detachment.

The Fed may be lowering interest rates, but what we need now is to develop higher rates of appreciation for each other. During times of panic, it’s all too easy to get down on yourself. That’s why you have each other. When you’re in a relationship it’s not you against the world, it’s us against the world, and sometimes just knowing that your partner believes in you is all it takes to change the world. And isn’t that we need now more than ever?

Ian Kerner is a sex therapist, relationship counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books, including "She Comes First" and the soon-to-be-published "Love in the Time of Colic: the New Parents' Guide to Getting it On Again." He was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons. He can be reached at www.IanKerner.com

Why a cuddler is a keeper...and will keep you satisfied

While women are wired to snuggle, men are wired to get up and go

By Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
Sex therapist and relationship counselor
TODAYShow.com contributor
updated 3:48 p.m. ET Nov. 6, 2008

“Did the last four and a half hours mean nothing to you?” — Charlotte of “Sex and the City,” shouting at a guy she just hooked up with.

Unlike the executives at Enron, a woman’s orgasm never lies. It can tell a woman the truth about a sexual encounter, often whether she wants to know it or not. That’s because the female orgasm releases a burst of oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone,” which facilitates a sense of attachment. But if there’s nothing to attach to, if there’s no deeper emotional content or meaningfulness, the orgasm becomes a regretful reminder of the hollowness of the sex that preceded it.

This is called “post-orgasm regret,” and it typically manifests itself in the form of sadness or anger. Ladies, if you’ve ever felt a pang of sorrow following a sexually gratifying (i.e., orgasmic) experience, it’s most likely post-orgasmic regret. (And what if you’re not having orgasms at all? Well then, you may be experiencing “post-faking regret” — regretting that you helped the jerk have his while you faked yours. But that’s a different article altogether.) Orgasm or not, be aware that sex results in your body inching toward some emotional connection, even as your brain may be saying “What the hell I am doing in bed with this guy?” So trust your orgasm.

Men also experience their own version of post-orgasmic regret, but in a different way — not as a sense of anger or sadness, but as a desire to get up and go. From an evolutionary perspective, men are wired to “spread their seed,” but they also know that not every woman they spread their seed with is necessarily one that they would like to hang out and mate with. Just because he spreads some seed doesn’t mean he’s interested in planting any roots.

So a woman can learn a lot about a guy in the minutes following his orgasm — is he a “cuddler,” a “snorer” or an “up-and-outer”?

The cuddler is a rare breed; generally guys do most of their cuddling in the early days of courtship and infatuation, when he’s made a decision that you’re the one. But sometimes a guy can also be a “faux-cuddler” when you’re first getting intimate with each other, so cuddle with caution.

But even if your cuddler is a keeper, he’s likely to turn into a “snorer.” Most of us guys end up becoming snorers, even if we don’t actually snore, but simply turn over and fall asleep. (It’s hard to fight biology.) Post-orgasm, prolactin levels spike, which contributes to a sense of sleepiness. Also, men have to work hard to produce the “explosive orgasm,” aka ejaculation, in order to potentially inseminate a woman (even if that’s not the intention). Hence, guys are often exhausted, dazed and depleted post-sex and require a refractory period (an interval of time) before they can get another erection. If your guy is a snorer, or just gives you the turn-over, cut him some slack, but also go ahead and give him a tap on the shoulder and remind him of the snuggler he used to be.

What can be said about the “up-and-outer,” the guy who, right after sex, suddenly has to organize his DVDs or go pick up his dry-cleaning?

As the proverb goes, fool me, once shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. If he’s up and out, think long and hard before letting him back in.

Ian Kerner is a sex therapist, relationship counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books, including “She Comes First” and the soon-to-be-published “Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parents’ Guide to Getting It On Again.” He was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons. He can be reached at www.IanKerner.com

© 2008 MSNBC Interactive